It’s uncanny. It’s all uncanny. A morning like any other. School’s out for two weeks and I decided to do an early morning load of laundry. Paid a few bills. Had coffee, breakfast. Got word that I had an open spot for a new (or returning) Tarot student.

Can’t remember what I was in the middle of when I got the news. I must have been putting the laundry away. Oh yeah. Now I remember. I had made this video about death and rebirth (chipper Tarot of the Day) about an hour before I found out that my beloved cousin Sue Ellen had died — after a year and half or so “battle” with ALS.

She was a stubborn Aries and the truth is — taboo though it is to say it — she wanted to die. She was like a mother to me.

Some of the astrology: Neptune newly in Aries is my Eighth House, house of, among other things, death. Neptune nudged itself in there and I learned of the death of my old friend Jim (he had died in 2022!) and now my Sue. Behold the Eight House transits!

Astrology, as they say, don’t play. You can set your watch by it.

I always get sad on holidays but this one felt extra heavy. And then this morning I felt lighter, the first intermediate day of Pesach (the days with fewer religious observances/requirements). I thought: oh it’s just the holiday moving along, but no. Sue Ellen was finally free.

And in that Tarot spread that I did before I got the news I had drawn the Ten of Swords AND the Ace of Cups. And for a little Instagram post I had drawn the Fool AND Death. Same theme.

The last time I saw her was in the nursing home. She hated the nursing home. And her body was failing, her body was betraying her. And our visit was so good, for me anyway. Towards the end she said she didn’t want me to go. But she also didn’t want me to come back — to see her like that. It got harder and harder for her to speak. On Facebook this morning I started listing all the things she loved, in a makeshift eulogy: New York City, Fairway, Zabar’s, the theatre, Central Park, animals. She loved New York SO much. She made everyone her friend.  And the last time I saw her I told her a story about Freud — I had been writing my new book — and now I can’t remember what story I told her. And she had that Jewish sense of humor that you see in the movies, wry, sardonic. I think she asked me if I was dating anyone. Did she? Or am I imagining it now. And I told her that I thought it was too late for me, that ship had sailed, or something like that. From her wheelchair she gave me a once over and let me know that no, she didn’t think it was too late.

I think to myself once again: now she’s free. She hated being dependent on nurses and aids, her body falling apart like it did. And I think to myself: maybe now I can write again, that perhaps the prison her body became was my prison too, spiritually, emotionally. Not that I don’t wish she were here. I do.

We used to joke around. I would say I was going to take care of her in her old age, feed her her applesauce in the old aged home. This was my way of saying I love you, I’m devoted to you, I will take care of you. Well, she never got to old age, dying at 71 (72?) and her nursing home was too far from NYC for me to fill those shoes.

So now what? Nothing.

Grieve. Feel. Otherwise… now I know who I’ll dedicate my new book to… and… we’ll see about other tributes.

Please know, though, that Neptune through the 8th House doesn’t mean your loved ones will die even though that’s part of what this transit is for me. Pluto through my 4th brought the death of both my parents and not everyone will experience that. The least you need to know is that… the houses have many associations and keywords and whatever house Neptune is in now for you… it would be a good idea to review its many keywords and symbols.

I’ll be back later. Keep passing the open windows xo

*You are not required to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it.”
-from Pirkei Avos, from an email from my friend Jim in 2016