THE UGLIES: a continuing series of writing about hard aspects and transits

I’m writing to you from the blood room. My period wasn’t always this intense, but it’s normal for some women my age. Heavy bleeding. I am self-employed so I can control my schedule to a large extent.

This month, like every month, I had planned (because it’s been like clockwork, give or take a day) when to take days off but I got taken by surprise by a late incoming.

And when I am bleeding this heavy, I cannot work.

I get tired, weak, need Advil (which makes me sleepy). I tell clients that I have to reschedule, that it would be a waste of your money if I were to read for you today (and it’s true). I also have a wonderful herb Shepherd’s Purse that I use if. my instincts tell me it’s time, which they did this morning.

I trust my body.

Now this isn’t to say that all Moon Pluto people (conjunction, square, opposition, just talking about the hard major aspects here) will have difficult periods or uterine problems. Men are just as likely to have a Moon Pluto aspect in their charts.

And the reason I’m writing this isn’t because of my blood although that’s where I’m at today. I’m talking to you because family (also ruled by moon) is on my mind.

Now we all know that trauma forms us, shapes us so what happens when the place that is supposed to be our safe room not our trauma room is our family? When our very caretakers put us in harm’s way and/or do nothing to stop harm.

Well, I’ll tell you: it might look a little like my life. My family history, like everyone’s, is long and winding and varied and it’s not all one thing but I can tell you that certain events shaped me like no other and stand out like no other.

And the older I get the more I see and understand how damaged they were. The choices they made. Incomprehensible choices. This is key actually. That when people abuse you, it’s not normal. But you grow up thinking it is. You don’t question it. Because you were born into it, like DNA.

This is one hallmark of the moon (family) death (pluto) person. The family situation is so severe that… nothing is out of its reach. It’s SO shaping.

And, again, the older I get, the more I am able to see, perceive, how damaged they were. When we are children we can’t have these perceptions because we need our caretakers to survive, physically, psychologically — so all our taboo feelings and reactions (i.e. the TRUTH) have to go underground for our survival and sanity.

Decades later now, it’s not flashbacks that I’m having (another symptom of PTSD) but more clarity and putting responsibility where it belongs – on the shoulders of the adults who were in charge.

It’s strange the revelations that come forward. I mean, they don’t pick a convenient time or place. It’s a running commentary in my head. I can be doing anything and I’ll suddenly realize OH this person could have made a different choice. There was a moment they said YES to damaging their child. Even if it was a split second there was a choice.

Will all Moon Pluto people have this legacy? Not all but many. Will non Moon Pluto people have this legacy? For sure. One thing is for certain. Moon Pluto people have secrets you will never know. Moon Pluto people likely know true horror. HORROR. Torture, abuse. And then are gaslit to believe it’s either not happening, doesn’t matter, or is their fault. I can tell you this too: I never said a WORD to anyone about my family until I was in my 20s and in therapy.

This blog post isn’t about comparing trauma (saying one is worse than another) but I am saying each kind is unique and comes with its own set of “rules” and that when it’s your actual caretakers, the ones in charge of your safety and well-being, all bets are off then and if you survive it intact at all, it’s a kind of miracle. Like, why didn’t they just leave you to die? After taking such care to destroy you.

The question for you then becomes what to do with your miracle. You don’t have to do anything but you may want to. And maybe you don’t like the word miracle but it leaped out. AND THIS ties in to the destroyer stories I was telling on the Sun Pluto post the other day. That some of you, those who have been destroyed, get a pass or come to believe you get a pass because you were born into hell or lived in hell for a time.

Well, that’s your decision to make. I’m not going to tell you what to do except to think about it. What you want to do with your “miracle.”

xo